my wife told me to stand here

Everybody on earth dies and goes to heaven.

　　God comes and says “I want the men to make two lines. One line for the men that dominated their women on earth and the other line for the men that were whipped by their women. Also, I want all the women to go with St Peter.”

　　Said and done, and there are two lines. The line of the men that were whipped was 100 miles long, and the line of men that dominated women, there was only one man.

　　God got mad and said. “You men should be ashamed of yourselves.I created you in my image and you were all whipped by your mates. Look at the only one of my sons that stood up and made me proud. Learn from him! Tell them, my son, how did you manage to be the only one on that line?”

　　The man said, “I don‘t know, my wife told me to stand here.”

翻譯：

我太太讓我站這里的

 世上的每一個(gè)人都上了天堂，神說 :“要男人分成兩隊(duì)， 一是在世上控制女人的男人，另一是被女人鞭打的男人。另外女子自成一隊(duì) ，跟著圣彼德去 。”

　　隊(duì)伍列好后，一是被女人鞭打的，有 100 英里長，一是在世上控制女人的，僅有一人。

　　神生氣的說 :“你們男人應(yīng)該感到羞恥，我按照自己的形象創(chuàng)造了你們，而你們被女子鞭打。看看，我唯一的兒子，站著使我驕傲，你們應(yīng)該向他學(xué)習(xí)，告訴他們，兒子，你如何成為唯一站在這一隊(duì)上的 ？”

　　這男子回說 :“我不知道，我太太叫我站在這的 ！”

That depends

Safety is a major concern at the manufacturing company where I work. So I‘m constantly preaching caution to the workers I supervise. “Does anyone know,” I asked a few guys, “what the speed limit is in our parking lot?” The long silence that followed was interrupted when one of them piped up.

　　”That depends. Do you mean coming in to work or leaving?”

翻譯：

這得看情況

在我上班的那家制造公司，安全是一個(gè)重點(diǎn)問題。 所以，我就得不停地地給我管那些人灌輸安全意識(shí)。“有沒有人知道，”我問幾個(gè)人，“我們的停車場(chǎng)限速多少英里？”沉默了相當(dāng)一段時(shí)間之后有人聲地說。“那得看情況。你說的是上班還是下班？”

Mad at her computer

The community college where my ex-husband teaches is next door to the North Carolina School for the Deaf. One day he entered the computer lab and noticed a hearing-impaired student signing away animatedly — but, it seemed, to no one in particular. He asked her interpreter if the student was okay. “Oh, she‘s fine,” said the interpreter. “She‘s just swearing at her computer.”

翻譯：

——她生電腦的氣

　我前夫任教的社區(qū)大學(xué)的傍邊是北卡聾人學(xué)校。 一天，他進(jìn)入電腦實(shí)驗(yàn)室時(shí)發(fā)覺一個(gè)聽力受損的學(xué)生正激動(dòng)地比劃著聾人手語 — 但她面前并沒有人。 于是，我前夫問這個(gè)女學(xué)生的翻譯這個(gè)學(xué)生是否有問題。“噢，她沒事”，翻譯說。“她只是在對(duì)電腦發(fā)脾氣”。

 
Surprise

Don‘t ever pay a surprise visit to a child in college. You might be the one getting the surprise. I learned this the hard way when I swung by my son‘s campus during a business trip. Locating what I thought was his fraternity house, I rang the doorbell. “Yeah?” a voice called from inside.

　　”Does Dylan Housman live here?”

　　”Yup,” the voice answered. “Leave him on the front porch. We‘ll drag him in later.”

翻譯：

——驚喜

從來不要冷不丁地去看你上大學(xué)的孩子。因?yàn)槟阌锌赡艹蔀楸粐樢淮筇哪莻€(gè)。 一次，我在出差期間繞道去兒子的大學(xué)，結(jié)果得到這個(gè)教訓(xùn)。 那天，琢磨著那就是兒子住的男生宿舍，我按了門鈴。“什么事？”一個(gè)聲音從里面?zhèn)鞒鰜怼?/p>

　　“Dylan Housman 是住在這嗎？”

　　“沒錯(cuò)”，那個(gè)聲音回答。“你把他放在走廊上吧。我們過一會(huì)就把他拽進(jìn)來”。