★I asked God for a bike, but I know God doesn‘t work that way. So I stole a bike and asked for forgiveness.

★I want to die peacefully in my sleep, like my grandfather… Not screaming and yelling like the passengers in his car.

★Do not argue with an idiot. He will drag you down to his level and beat you with experience.

★The last thing I want to do is hurt you. But it‘s still on the list.

★Some people are like Slinkies… not really good for anything, but you can‘t help smiling when you see one tumble down the stairs.

★We never really grow up, we only learn how to act in public.

★I thought I wanted a career, turns out I just wanted paychecks.

★Evening news is where they begin with ‘Good evening‘, and then proceed to tell you why it isn‘t.

★Knowledge is knowing a tomato is a fruit; Wisdom is not putting it in a fruit salad.

★If God is watching us, the least we can do is be entertaining.

★Never, under any circumstances, take a sleeping pill and a laxative on the same night.

★I didn‘t fight my way to the top of the food chain to be a vegetarian.

★Did you know that dolphins are so smart that within a few weeks of captivity, they can train people to stand on the very edge of the pool and throw them fish?

翻譯：

★開始我直接求上帝賜輛自行車。 后來我琢磨上帝辦事兒不是這個路數。 于是老子偷了一輛然后求上帝寬恕。

★我希望能像爺爺那樣，安靜地在睡夢中死去，而不要像他開的車上那些慘叫滴乘客一樣死法啊!

★你永遠不能戰勝一個純SB，因為他會把你的智商拉到跟他個水平，然后用豐富的經驗打敗你。

★吾雖不殺伯仁，伯仁由我而死。

★有些人就像 Slinkies(彈簧玩具)，沒什么實在用處，但看他們在樓梯上倒騰來倒騰去還是很有喜感。

★我們永遠不可能真正的成熟，我們只是學會在眾人面前裝逼。

★曾以為我想要的是職業，結果發現我只是想要工資。

★晚間新聞總是以“晚上好”開頭，再告訴你你為什么好不了。

★直譯：知識就是說你知道西紅柿是一種水果;智慧就好似不要把它放進水果沙拉里。

意譯a：知識就是告訴你說應該把雞蛋放進籃子，智慧則是叫你不要把所有雞蛋都放進一個籃子。

意譯b：所謂知識就是知道韓少和小四都屬于80后，但智慧告訴你最終還是男女有別。

★上帝瞅著咱們呢，大伙好歹喜感點吧!

★無論，在任何情況下，永遠，不要在一個夜晚，同時吃，安眠藥，和通便靈。

★老子拼死拼活奮斗到食物鏈頂端，不是為了成為一個素食者。

★海豚可聰明了你知道不?只要馴養幾個星期，它們就能讓人類乖乖站在池邊給它們扔魚吃了。