1.The Target
My cooking has always been the target of family jokes. One evening, as I prepared dinner a bit too quickly, the kitchen filled with smoke and the smoke detector went off. Although both of my children had received fire-safety training at school, they did not respond to the alarm. Annoyed, I stormed through the house in search of them.
I found them in the bathroom, washing their hands. Over the loud buzzing of the smoke alarm, I asked them to identify the sound.
“It‘s the smoke detector,” they replied in unison.
“Do you know what that sound means?” I demanded.
“Sure,” my oldest replied. “Dinner‘s ready.”
翻譯：
靶子
我的燒飯手藝向來是家庭笑話的攻擊目標。一天晚上，晚餐我準備得有點兒太快了，廚房里充滿了煙，結果煙霧探查器報起警來。盡管我的兩個孩子都在學校里接受過防火安全訓練，可是他們并沒有對報警聲作出反應。我感到很惱火，滿幢房子亂沖尋找他們。 我在洗澡間找到他們，發現他們正在洗手。我的聲音蓋過了煙霧警報的嗡嗡聲，我叫他們辨別那聲音。
“是煙霧探查器，”他們異口同聲地說。
“你們知道那聲音意味著什么嗎？”我責問道。
“當然，”我的大孩子回答道，“晚飯準備好了。”
2.How can I get into heaven
“If I sold my house and my car, had a big garage sale and gave all my money to the poor, would I get into heaven?” I asked the children in my Sunday school class.
“No!” the children all answered.
“If I cleaned the church everyday, mowed the yard, and kept everything neat and tidy, would I get into heaven?”
Again, the answer was, “No!”
“Well, ” I continued, “then how can I get into heaven?”
A five-year-old boy shouted out, “You gotta be dead!”
翻譯：
我怎么才能上天堂
“如果我把房子和車賣了，在車庫舉行義賣, 并把所有的錢給窮人，我能進天堂嗎？”我問主日學校的孩子。
孩子們齊聲回答：“不能！”
“那如果我每天都打掃教堂，給院子的草坪割草，并且把東西都收拾得干凈整潔，我會上天堂嗎？”
回答還是：“不能！”“好吧， ”我繼續問, “那我要怎樣才能升天堂呢？”
一個五歲的男孩兒叫道：“你得死了才行！”
3.A preacher is buying a parrot
Are you sure it doesnt scream, yell, or swear? asked the preacher.
Oh absolutely. Its a religious parrot, the storekeeper assures him.
Do you see those strings on his legs? When you pull the right one, he recites the lords prayer, and when you pull on the left he recites the 23rd Psalm.
Wonderful! says the preacher, but what happens if you pull both strings?
I fall off my perch, you stupid fool! screeched the parrot.
翻譯：
一個傳教士在買鸚鵡
“你確信它不會尖叫，大叫或詛咒別人嗎？”傳教士問。
“哦，絕對不會。它是一只虔誠的鸚鵡。”店主保證說。
“你看見它腿上的這些細繩了嗎？當你拉動右面的這根，它會背誦天主經，當你拉動左面的那根，它會背誦贊美詩”
“太棒了！”傳教士說，“但是如果我同時拉動兩條繩子，會發生什么呢？”
“我會從樹干上掉下去的，你這個笨蛋！”鸚鵡尖聲說道。
4. What Was It She Wanted？
A store manager heard a clerk tell a customer．“No，ma’am， we haven‘t had any for a while， and it doesn‘t look asif we‘ll be getting soon．” Horrified，the manager came runningover to the customer and said，“Of course， we‘ll have somesoon， We placed an order last week．” Then the manager drewthe clerk aside：“Never， never， never say we are out of anything—say we‘ve got it on order and it‘s coming． Now whatwas it she wanted？” “Rain．” said the clerk．
翻譯：
她要買什么
一個商店經理聽見一個店員對顧客說：“不，夫人，這會兒沒有，一時半會兒看來也不會有。”經理驚恐萬分地跑到顧客跟前說：“當然，馬上就會有的。我們上周訂了貨。”然后經理把店員拉到一邊：“千萬，千萬，千萬不要說我們沒有什么——說我們已經訂了貨，貨馬上就到。現在你說她要買什么？” “雨，”店員說。
4.A Life for a Life
The English author，Richard Savage，was once living in London in great poverty．In order to earn a little money he hadwritten the story of his life，but not many copies of the bookhad been sold in the shops，and Savage was living from hand tomouth．As a result of his lack of food he became very ill，butafter a time，owing to the skill of the doctor who had lookedafter him，he got well again．After a week or two the doctorsent a bill to Savage for his visits， but poor Savage hadn‘t anymoney and couldn‘t pay it．The doctor waited for another month and sent the bill again． But still no money came． Afterseveral weeks he sent it to him again asking for his money．Inthe end he came to Savage‘s house and asked him for payment，saying to Savage，“You know you owe your life to me and Iexpected some gratitude from you．” “I agree，” said Savage，“that I owe my life to you， and toprove to you that I am not ungrateful for your work I will givemy life to you．”With these words he handed to him two volumes entitled，The life of Richard Savage．
以“命”抵命
英國作家理查德·薩維奇一度在倫敦過著貧困潦倒的生活，為了賺幾個錢，他曾寫了有關他自己生平的故事。但是這部書在書店里并沒有賣出幾本，薩維奇過著朝不保夕的日子。由于缺乏食物，他病得很厲害。后來，由于給他治療的那個醫生的高明醫術，他才又恢復了健康。過了一兩個星期之后，醫生給薩維奇送來了一張討要診費的帳單，但是貧窮的薩維奇沒有錢來償付。醫生等了一個月后又送來了帳單，但仍然未索回分文。幾個星期之后，他又送來帳單要錢。最后，醫生本人來到了薩維奇的家中，對他說：“你明白，你是欠我一條命的，我希望你有所報答。” “是的，”薩維奇說，“我是欠你一條命，為了向你證明我對你的診治不是不報答，我將把我的命給你。” 說著這番話，薩維奇遞給醫生兩卷書，名叫《理查德·薩維奇的一生》。
Tags:靶子 笑話
